Parents and carers want to help. During a tense match, that can turn into a stream of instructions: pass, shoot, get forward, track back. The player is already reading teammates, opponents and the coach. Another set of directions can make the moment harder to interpret. Support begins by agreeing what helps her feel backed, and remembering that the match belongs to the players on the pitch.
Have the conversation before matchday
Ask what she likes to hear from the side and what she would rather adults leave to the coach. Some players welcome an occasional positive comment; others prefer a quieter presence. Do not assume that your own preferences are hers. Agree practical matters too: how she can find you afterwards and whether she wants a moment with teammates before leaving. A calm conversation during the week is easier than trying to negotiate these things while everyone is upset after a match.
Encourage without supplying every answer
Notice effort, a thoughtful decision or a teammate helping someone recover from a mistake. Avoid calling an instruction for each touch. A pass that looks obvious from the sideline may not be visible from the player’s angle. Let her experience choosing, getting some things wrong and trying again. Respect officials, opponents and the club’s spectator arrangements. If something concerns you, use the appropriate channel afterwards rather than arguing across the pitch and adding pressure to the children playing.
Let the first conversation be human
A tired or disappointed player may need a drink, food, quiet or a friendly greeting before she wants analysis. Ask whether she wants to talk about the game. Accept “not yet” without treating it as bad attitude. If she does want to discuss it, let her start with the moment that mattered to her. It may be a friendship issue or an instruction she did not understand, rather than the missed chance an adult remembers.
Ask questions that leave space for her view
Try asking what she enjoyed, what felt difficult or what she wants help understanding. Avoid a sequence of questions that is really a hidden criticism. “Why did you keep losing it?” is unlikely to produce a useful football discussion. If she names a mistake, ask what she saw and what she might try next time. You can acknowledge disappointment without agreeing that she played terribly or insisting that everything was brilliant. Keep your account separate from hers.
Know when support needs another conversation
If she repeatedly comes away distressed, explore whether the issue is expectations, relationships, playing opportunities or the environment. Listen before suggesting a new team or more training. A specific coaching question can go to the coach at an agreed time. Concerns about bullying, humiliation or safety should use the club’s welfare or safeguarding process. Do not promise secrecy about something that may require help. Her willingness to speak matters more than protecting an adult’s view of a match.
FROM READING TO PLAYING
Something to try
Before the next match, agree one helpful sideline behaviour and one thing to avoid. Afterwards begin with a simple greeting and let her choose whether to discuss football. If she wants a review, keep it to one moment she selects. Finish by asking what support she would like before the next session, rather than setting her an adult-written list of corrections.
Take it into your football
- Ask what support feels helpful to her.
- Leave match instructions to the team’s coach.
- Give her a choice about when to discuss the game.
Further reading
Explore related guidance from these primary sources. Practice examples and suggested conversations on this page are STAR’s own guidance.
Have a question about applying this to her game?
Start a conversation with STAR ↗